Blogging the Casbah

OMNIBUS RUMBLINGS!

2008-05-27T01:10:00.003-04:00

Greetings to all! We here are now back from our too-long HIATUS and ready to REPRESENT wired ACES with this new installment of the B's-BLOG-BLOG-LOG! OVERMUCH REXCLAMATIONRUNNING!

To be fair as in drunken CARNIES and STRANGE HAPPENINGS of internal injury and PERFORATION at the ring toss booth, where the lots of FATE and the TEETH of poetic justice mesh to form a veritable Voltron of verisimilitudinal vivisection via mere perambulatory or peristaltic agitation, we have updated more recently than B. SO WICKER AWESOME, like when Nicholas "Jor-El" Cage dressed up as a freakin' BEAR to totally PUNCH OUT some schoolmarm chappess liek xe was MIKE "TAS' LAHK CHIKKIN" TYSON!

We have many things of which to speak, you all and me all. We are, like our unfoldings of happenings, legion.

~NEWS FLASH~! We have confirmation and witnesses that B. eats pizza like a woman. Y'know, with a knife and fork. Protip: Forks are for corn and truth, and knives are for stabbin' ho's fo' shortin' yo' yo' monayzzz. MAD-STYLINZ PROP O' THE MORNING AWARD goes to E., of the B-CLANN RIVALzZz KREVV, for this week's BURN A-WARD!

B.: "What's wrong with how I eat my pizza?"
E.: "It's fine. My grandmother eats pizza like that."

I'd go on, but even typing those words threatens thermal OVERLOAD of an UNCOMPENSATABLE MAGNITUDE past the boiling point of silicon fiber relays.

"STEER" YOUR "EYES" THIS WAY! (NSFWiYAAtLaRB-A-BatO):!:!:

We've recently discovered this old-Skool picture of B. in his natural environment. (Most of) it is here presented in an ((un)alduterated) version.

Yes that is some dude's crotch that he and Screech are apparently looking at for some reason that would be entirely evident if a) the entire, uncropped picture were shown or b) pretty much any sentence of the newspaper article in which the (full) picture originally appeared were to be also quoted, but as neither was done, you are left with this.

THE "B." CODE~! So we really don't know if B. knows this or not, but, y'know, we're just throwin' it out there, just puttin' it up in the air, broachin' the topic, marsupialing the komodo dragon - HOLY CRAP. A KOMODO DRAGON with... like... WARM BLOOD and OPPOSABLE THUMBS?!
Clay Davis says:

Yeah.

OH YEAH. I KINDA FORGOT. B. also admitted to being just like PONTIUS PILATE. As in, B. said "Yes, I'm just like Pontius Pilate."

B. QUOTE OF THE WEEK!!!
"An old woman came by [the store] and said that she wanted to see everything, so [long story short] I ended up all hot and sweaty and gross."
The more you know!!!

E. QUOTE OF THE WEEK!!!
[About B.]
"He's weaseling his way into my uncles"

Remember! Context equals key. That's why B. OPPOSES HERMENEUTICS!!!

So... Yeah. That's about it for now, barring the stuff we've forgotten. Tell B. to update his blog more regularly.

KITTEN BOMB!

2008-05-13T00:25:00.007-04:00

Again, sorry for the delay. On to the post...

First off, it has come to our attention that B is a pagan. Although we are as of yet unsure what specific flavor of paganism he prefers, it is our duty as faithful, responsible bloggers to assume that it involves much human and kitten sacrifice. However, how this combines with his also-newlyspeculated Jewish heritage is unknown, but next time we're in the locker room with him we will be sure to see whether the large star tattooed on his chest has five or six points. [UPDATE: It has seven, leading us to believe that B is an employee of the Maersk shipping empire.]

Also, on a note related to B's recent trip to a Girl Talk concert, the photo. There is little that can be said about a photo of this perfection, this amazing, radiant grace, and so we will not even attempt to talk about it. Instead, here it is for your viewing pleasure.

Also, on the topic of photos, we learned this very evening that B was once involved in a violent criminal organization he referred to as the "Breaking Club", which was much-reported in the Fredericksburg press a number of years ago. A photo has been discovered, but it is not yet in the proper form to be posted here. When it's ready, we'll add it.
Well, that's all for now, but as soon as we find out more, we'll post again.

Sorry about the delay

2008-04-30T14:06:00.001-04:00

Sorry about the lack of recent posts about B's recent posts, but it's finals right now and we are slightly busy. However, this will all be made up for next week, I promise.

Mason! Very, Perry, Much a Mason!

2008-04-24T09:31:00.000-04:00

News flash! B has been revealed to have Masonic ties! Does this mean that he's tied in with the plot to steal the Declaration of Independence? There's no evidence, but you know how Masons do. Further exhaustive research has uncovered the shocking fact that B was not even born when the moon 'landing' was perpetrated by the Masonic Lodges of Houston and Washington D.C. Does this sound a death knell for the B-Apollo-Mason Triangle of Iniquity Theory?

Absolutely not! Far from it, in fact - historical documents suggest that B is a sleeper agent, born unknowing of the Masonic plots to which he is now party save for subliminal conditioning. A reliable source from BMS has provided us with the information that each Masonic sleeper agent has a select 'trigger word' that will regress them to their enlightened state. So send your questions in, loyal followers! Tomorrow's dinner interview plans to be an epic marathon of endurance as McAwesome and Macawesome will read from the American Heritage Dictionary trying to find the trigger word to release the subconscious conditioning that binds B to the will of the Masonic Lodges and lay bare the Conspiracy of the Ages!

This just in! B has started peppering his speech with German words! Could this mean that the conditioning is starting to break through, the memories of his time in the Alps indoctrinating rising unbidden to the fore? We think that it just might.

As for the Satan worship, I will only offer this piece of analysis: B is, or proclaims himself to be, a vegetarian. As we all know, animals are as a general rule either delicious, cute, or both. Some exceptions - but those animals suck. Why wouldn't B eat meat? Could it be perhaps because he sacrifices rams, goats, hogs, cows, chickens and all manner of God's creatures to Baphomet He Who Dwells Below? Is he a 'moonchild' of the hippy age, or a child of the 'Morning Star', so to speak? An amateur exorcism may be in the works, Constant Readers! Anyone with experience in such, please leave a note in the comments and let us know when you can help out. You'll get paid after we get the real B back, free of Masonic and Satanic (Satonic?) influence. This is not a joke. Must bring your own weapons. Safety NOT guaranteed (If you've seen the Bourne Identity, you'll know that all subconsciously conditioned individuals, even if they only know the Sacred Recipe of Cheese Fries, can kill you with a pen). We've only done this once before.

Freemasonry and other evil dealings

2008-04-23T20:36:00.000-04:00

So it has just come to my attention (and by that, I mean I've known it for a while but I just now remembered it) that every male in B's family (but not B, or so he claims) is a Freemason. According to my in-depth research, this makes B responsible for faking the moon landing, the JFK assassination, and, quite possibly, a heck of a lot of Satan worship. Any thoughts, Awesome Macawesome?

Ominous Rumblings!

2008-04-19T22:59:00.001-04:00

Sorry for the delay in updates, Constant Readers! The interview notes are in hand and will be processed soon. McAwesome is right, though - there are shady doings afoot, and we need time to get to the bottom of things. We do have information in hand that B has had dealings with upper-level customs officials regarding suspicious goings-on at JFK (no, not the Marilyn Monroe sex tape, the airport.) Add to this the fact that he has let slip that he's been letting 'customers' into the store outside of normal business hours, and that he's planning a change in his appearance - ALL WHILE THE BOSS IS AWAY - and inquiring minds want, no, DEMAND to know.

He also is of the position that the breakaway Barbary apes are totally cool for ransacking hotel rooms and terrorizing beaches and tourists alike which is a position that we totally agree with.

Below, a Barbary ape being totally batshit awesome

Will these apes stage a coup like in New Delhi, where the deputy mayor was killed by a pack of rhesus macaques? The apes on this island are twice the size of the Indian apes, and will go to any lengths to achieve their goals! (See above, in which a subordinate is about to be punished for failing to obtain the passcode to the British infantry barracks!)

How does this relate to B and his workplace activities? Well, you've all heard of a barrel of monkeys - imagine how many of these sinister primates could be hidden inside a rolled up rug! Not only is he (possibly) a conduit for opium and other herbological derivatives into the United States, not only does he (maybe) run guns to various insurgency groups both here and abroad, both man and monkey - did you know that a Stinger-III fits inside a throw rug with room to spare? - but he is now plotting to smuggle these sinister simians onto mainland America! (At least, he could be.)

Or maybe he's bored and surfing Wikipedia while listening to Bob Marley. But consider - do you really want the smoking gun to be an airborne barrage of feces as a writhing mass of triumphant pre-hominids shove you off your balcony to your doom in the driving rain, shrieking Spartan warcries?

This matter will not be forgotten - BTC will get to the bottom of this, and we will report our findings to you, the concerned public.

(Yes, certain taxonomical liberties have been taken with the lexicon used in this article. That doesn't make the prospect of a macaque-ruled Charlottesville ANY LESS TERRIFYING although actually pretty cool once you stop and think about it.)

Illicit Rug Dealing?

2008-04-19T20:05:00.000-04:00

It would seem from B's latest post that he is considering some shady under-the-counter rug deals. Personally, having long studied the economics of selling stolen stuff out of my trunk, I think B would do quite well jacking rugs and selling them on the down-low. Your thoughts?

Fauxhawk FTW!

2008-04-18T07:33:00.000-04:00

New Revelation! With B's boss out of town, will this mark the beginning of the Fauxhawk Era? Has B been to the barber's this morning? The questions mount as the interview approaches!

Holy Crow of Coincident Timing Batman!

2008-04-17T23:27:00.000-04:00

Jeepers! Just as the last post was going up, the internets dinged up another serving of B's blog! Crisis averted sports fans!

First of all, I forgot this the first time around - B has a link to this site up in the new post, so big ups to B. If you're finding this from there, what up.

It is apparently "somewhat surprising" that we followed through on our "promise (threat?)" to meta-blog. Far out! Not only do we now have the official B Seal of Approval (graphic coming soon - be sure to slap it on your site somewhere with a link back here!) we also have been designated Official Wire Service of all the news B sees fit not to report. McAwesome's new phone has a Twitter service option, so look forward to a minute by minute update of tomorrow's dinner interview!

Then there's two random paragraphs of French movies. It appears that neither of them has a twelve year old Natalie Portman killin' dudes for money or Jean Reno dissolving a dude alive in a bathtub with acid, so I have nothing more to say on that.

News flash! Apparently B has gone and watched Le Samourai! Comparisons to Ghost Dog will be sought tomorrow. They're basically the same thing, except that one apparently has brutally slow pacing, a "bleak, precise world", and a meticulous minimalism. The other one has an aging Italian guy singing Flava Flav, another Italian mobster getting shot through a drainpipe, and MACHETE IAIS. Not to mention chiburri sheathing of a silenced pistol. And also Forest Whitaker.

Oh yeah also the whole emo thing in the previous post is apparently completely off the mark it would seem. Either that or Le Samourai provided an antidote.

Analysis of Post 4.17.2008 22:31!

2008-04-17T23:15:00.001-04:00

Big ups to Awesome McAwesome for the song title catch. If you're feeling lucky and averse to quotes however, you can duplicate the following shocking finding: A blog called Backlit in Gold has a post from January 3 of this year that has the title of:

"Send me an IM, I'll be your friend."

B's latest blog post is entitled:

"Send me an IM I'll be your friend..."

Coincidence?
Not only that, but the first sentence of the Backlit in Gold post goes as follows:

"The urge to cut myself is pretty intense at the moment."

Oh no! Could B be alluding to this as the reason for the delay in new posts? Say it ain't so!

Consider these other lyrics from the same song:

"so if you wanna burn yourself remember that I LOVE YOU
and if you wanna cut yourself remember that I LOVE YOU
and if you wanna kill yourself remember that I LOVE YOU
call me up before your dead, we can make some plans instead
send me an IM, i'll be your friend"

Could this be the dreaded metamorphosis of Hipster B into the devolved Stage Three Emo B?

Or, maybe he just watched Juno. Either way, the antidote is clear - Forest Whitaker driving around being bitchin' cool before sayin' his name is Han Solo and shooting a bunch of mafiosos. Queued up Le Samourai? Step your loner-assassin-with-bushido-code-transplanted-to-modern-crime-genre-movie game up and grab Ghost Dog!

New post! Sweet!

2008-04-17T22:56:00.000-04:00

So, all we've got so far is the title and "Post upcoming", but we can already begin to make some detailed analysis.
For one, the title is a line from Kimya Dawson's "Loose Lips." Anyone care to guess as to its significance? (cough Awesome Macawesome cough)

Anticipation!

2008-04-17T21:34:00.000-04:00

It's 9:34 and we're eagerly awaiting the next update of B.'s blog! Will it contain an announcement of this very venue's formation? Time will tell! He's said he'll update tonight, so stay tuned.

Fun fact: The line, "Come with me to the casbah" was heard in trailers for the movie Algiers from 1938 but not, interestingly enough, in the film itself. This movie was a remake of the French film Pepe le Moko from the previous year, which in turn led to the Looney Tunes' Pepe Le Pew and his invitation to "Come with me to ze Casbah". Is B referencing Algiers, alluding to Pepe le Moko, or quoting Pepe Le Pew? Cast your votes in the comments, and tune in tomorrow for the results of our exclusive interview!